Eating healthy isn't worth it! What's the point? What's the point of living 5 more years if those years are going to suck because I can't enjoy food? Food is the only thing that makes this drab, miserable world bearable.
I've been watching a couple documentaries where health nuts interview regular people about eating right. The regular people, grabbing some fast food or maybe just eating a huge plate of taters and meatloaf at a diner respond and give me flashbacks. I remember feeling exactly like they do. I remember saying the exact same thing.
In point of fact, if eating right meant suffering another 5 years through this life then I would just order a pizza right now. Why would anyone want to give up the pleasures of their life for the purpose of extending their life without those pleasures? I get it, I've been there, and I hope you'll hear what I have to say.
When my BMI was 43 (class III obesity) my life sucked. My feet hurt after work. I never seemed to get enough sleep. I felt groggy in the morning, fatigued all day, and I could swear I was developing a tumour in my right foot because it was always either aching or numb. I didn't go to the doctor because I knew what that jerkoff would say: eat more veggies, stop eating pizza, quit smoking, give up the booze.
Seriously, sometimes I would just binge eat so that I could experience that 'turkey dinner' doziness and take a nap to escape a life that was sucking more every year. Why would I want to give up the opportunity to eat a whole pizza and then take a nap? Why would I ever give up the pleasure that I got from dipping fried chicken in blue cheese dressing and then hoovering it up like corn on the cob?
So many pleasures could lift me out of my glum and make me feel like a child again: Spicy snack-mix drenched in hot sauce; Italian subs with Caesar salad laced with spicy olives; triple-decker chicken nugget sandwiches with red onion and Sriracha mayo!
Ok, so I was afraid of being diagnosed with diabetes. I thought the docs would eventually have to take my right foot off if it became numb for too long. Don't even talk to me about blood pressure or cholesterol or I swear I'll just order a deep-fried calzone stuffed with poutine!
I live in a place that has over 500 varieties of distinct local cheese. Every week I would try a new one and could have done so until I died without ever repeating a single experience. Lady Laurier cheese, perfumed with vanilla was one that I did repeat occasionally because it paired so well with warm figs on Triscuits. Yes, I enjoyed some rather fine foods in between my diner-style comfort foods.
If those sorts of food experiences are the only pleasures in your life then it makes no sense to give them up and suffer through eating hospital food only so that you can suffer through eating crappy food for five more years. Maybe it would be worth it if I had grandchildren and wanted to see them graduate but I don't have kids, don't have a lover, and I don't even have houseplants because none of those deadbeats ever contribute to the bills.
That all makes sense when you are 25% depressed - half way to starting to exhibit symptoms of clinical depression. If you can't enjoy physical activity, doing your job causes you physical pain, and you can't even get a good night's sleep, then you need an out. Why would you deny yourself pleasure only to suffer through an extra 5 years?
I did it because I hit rock bottom, learned to suffer, and my fight-or-flight response drove me to survival. Even so, if I had to struggle through the rest of my life denying myself pleasure I think I would still choose death. Thing is, I found out that I don't have to suffer to be healthy and, in point of fact, I was suffering when I was unhealthy. I've discovered that I can have a healthy diet AND enjoy life.
I don't know if anyone can do what I did without facing the same dire circumstances but I am hoping that my story can help some people find the courage to try what I've done and report back on whether or not they experienced the same thing. You see, I put myself in a personal diet rehab to break my addiction to snacking, binge eating, and overall unhealthy cravings.
I didn't know if there would be an end to the torture but I had to try. The good news, in my case, is that after a couple of months of painful struggling, the struggling stopped. I'm no longer tortured, I'm no longer feeling the pains of withdrawal, and I no longer need rich, spicy, salty, sugary food to help me swim to the surface from my state of being perpetually 25% depressed.
My baseline mood is now above the surface - positive, healthy, alert, and I enjoy the fact that my home just seems to stay clean and tidy (most the time). I don't need comfort food to comfort me but I still have one meal a week just to experience the joy that I associate with such foods - just to get an even bigger kick in the moods.
I don't need to binge-eat to give myself a 'turkey dinner nap' just to escape the suffering. I don't want to take a nap because I feel good and want to stay awake. To this end, I not only don't feel an urge to binge, I feel averted from it because I like being awake.
I no longer nap on the bus on the way to work, nor even drag myself out of bed. As when I was in my 20's, I jump out of bed, eager to get there, even before I've decided where I am going. I do look forward to my weekly 'indulgence meal' because I do still enjoy those flavours - but lately that meal has been very simple because I no longer need lots of seasoning and spice to get the same kick.
Most importantly, I'm not choking down icky health-food in an effort to suffer through 5 more years. I enjoy most of what I eat and don't care if I live 5 more years because this year alone is better than the ten before I started eating right. I really feel that good.
Ok, so I'm trying to add more veggies to my diet and to that end I made myself eat raw broccoli with dinner for the past few days. I didn't have to choke it down but I will say that it wasn't very exciting. I did order the counter top steam-cooker, though, and hope that will make the broccoli more pleasant.
In all honesty, it is not worth forcing yourself to eat bland food for the rest of your life just to suffer through an extra 5 years of suffering. It is, however, more than worth it to suffer through a couple months of diet rehab to regain control of your diet because life is, and I mean this sincerely, much better when you get your diet under control. The food that I used to boost myself up was the very food that made my life so miserable that I needed some kind of boost.
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